How to Combat Microaggressions Such As “What Are You?”

“What are you?”

I was daydreaming a bit while waiting for the train to arrive, but the question interrupted my thoughts.

“I’m sorry, what?”, I asked as I came out of my mental slumber.

“What are you? You Puerto Rican or something?”, he asked.

This is where I sigh silently to myself as I make a quick calculation on whether I have to divulge my personal family history to a stranger in order to make polite conversation or risk upsetting them by rebuffing their question. 

I should note this is unfortunately not an usual question or occurrence for me. You would think it would be odd for a complete stranger, whom you are not engaged in any sort of conversation or interaction, to stop you and ask you about something so personal. When I was a younger woman, I chalked it up to a bad flirting tactic, as it usually happened with men. However, I noticed over the last few years that the situations, aggressors, and questions would evolve and change to the point where I had to acknowledge it wasn’t about flirting. 

The next clue I received that this was deeper than a failed attempt at flirting was when the question started to change. Instead of, “What are you”, I would now get what seemed like an innocent question like “Where are you from?” But what seemed like a straightforward question would actually turn confusing pretty quickly. Here’s a sample of how that conversation would go.

Stranger: “Where are you from?”

Me: “I’m from New York”

Stranger: “No, where are you really from?”

OR

Stranger: “Where are you from?”

Me: “I’m from New York.”

Stranger: “Where are your parents from?”

Me: “New York…”

My answers never seemed to please the stranger. I would frustrate and confuse them with my response. At first I didn’t understand. I was answering their questions. I was born in NYC and raised on Long Island. My parents were born in NYC and raised in Brooklyn and Queens. So why didn’t the conversation end when I answered their questions?

It wasn’t until years later that I finally understood what was really happening and had the vocabulary to describe it. This was a microaggression. No, that does not mean a small or insignificant aggression. It means an aggression that is perpetrated by an individual as opposed to an institution or system. And I can assure you that there was nothing small about these little cuts that happened with increasing frequency to me over my life.

Let me also blow up an assumption you may have about my particular experience. These microaggressions are perpetrated by white people AND people of color. As a mixed race individual, I get these microaggressions from both sides. What’s worse than one race making you feel like an alien that doesn’t belong? Multiple races making you feel that way.

Let’s talk a bit more about what a microaggression is and why these simple questions are offensive. At the end of the day, a microaggression is a form of oppression. Sue et al (2007) define a microaggression as, “....brief and commonplace daily verbal, behavioral, or environmental indignities, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative racial slights and insults toward people of color.” While many people mistakenly believe that the “micro” part of the word means small, the impact of these microaggressions can be significant. Microaggressions can have biological effects such as increasing one’s blood pressure, as well as, cognitive, emotional, and behavioral impacts.

Let me walk you through what happens when someone asks me, “What are you?” or “Where are you from” as a form of a microaggression. First, I notice myself getting physically warm. If I were a slightly lighter skin color you might even notice the flushing of my cheeks. This is the biological impact. Then I start to question if there is something wrong with me. Why am I the only person I know who gets asked these questions? Then I start to get annoyed. But then I feel like I can’t get annoyed or act angry because of the situation I am in, so I feel forced to comply and answer the question even though I am uncomfortable. I also feel misunderstood because none of my friends can relate to me on this and may not even see why these questions are wrong or why I feel annoyed or angry about having to answer the question. This is where the cognitive and emotional effects comes into play. 

Perhaps you are still wondering what the big deal is about a question like “Where are you from?” Perhaps you are thinking that people are just trying to get to know me and are curious about my background. But here’s the problem with that line of thinking. Ask yourself, why are people asking me that question? And why are they only asking me that question?

The reason people are asking me where I am from is because they are signaling that there is something about the way I look that does not look like it belongs or does not feel American. This is odd since we talk about America being a melting pot. So why does it feel out of place or “unique” to see someone with bronze skin and dark hair and eyes? 

This question also signifies our desire to categorize people and put people into boxes. We use heuristics all the time to navigate life, but many times this process is automatic and via our subconscious. In this case we very much make a conscious effort to organize people into different stereotypes in our heads. In this case, people understand there are white people, there are Black people, there are Hispanic people, and there are Asian people in America. But when they see me they aren't sure which category I belong to and that makes them uncomfortable.

As a result, in order to decide how to engage with me further, people need to know my ethnicity. Ask yourself why it would matter to you what ethnicity a stranger is? Is it so you can change your actions based on the response? If I tell you I am white, and you are white, do you now feel more comfortable? If I tell you I am black, and you are black, do you feel like you can act one way vs. another? 

Microaggressions contain subtext or a metacommunication, which is the message they are covertly conveying. For years, I felt that, but couldn’t put my finger on it. When I was able to attend a workshop on microaggressions led by Sarah Alsaidi, she was able to provide the definitions and vocabulary I lacked to describe what was happening to me all these years. Now with the new education I have on diversity dynamics I understand the subtle message a question like, “What are you” signals. Furthermore, it also means I now understand that I have more options in which to respond.

One of the key ways to diffuse a microaggression is to reveal the metacommunication. Now that I understand that a person is asking me these questions because they are somehow signaling something about my belonging, I can put the question back on them to reveal the metacommunication. Here’s the thing about microaggressions...sometimes people don’t even realize why they are asking these questions. So when you respond to their question with something like “Why are you asking me that?” or “Why does it matter?” or “Why are you only asking me that question?” you are forcing the perpetrator to think and reflect on what they are doing. 

At the end of the day, there is no reason to ask a stranger about their ethnic background. If someone is my friend and in the course of getting to know me better they want to learn more about my background, then that’s fine to ask. But these microaggressions are just another way that we impose our own narrow perspectives on what is and is not "normal". 

Recently, there has been a lot of talk about allyship and there is an important role that allies can play in diffusing microaggressions as well. One of the challenges of dealing with microaggressions is that they can be subtle. As a result, to the victim it can feel like you are being gaslighted when it’s happening to you. The person it happens to will get a weird feeling like something doesn’t feel right, but may not have the words to describe it or identify where it feels off. Without allies or witnesses to step in, support, and validate the victim’s experience, it can be disorienting to be on a receiving end of some of these microaggressions.

Here’s another great example of a microaggression that completely took me by surprise while getting my hair done in early 2020 (you know, before covid forced me to come to terms with the influence of white ideals of beauty on my hair care routine, a story for another day).

I went to a new salon to get my hair washed and blown out. It was part of a chain that I frequent, but a different location because of a meeting I had in a different part of town, in this case Midtown Manhattan. As the hair stylist, who was white, started to wash my hair she started down the road of the usual microaggressive path by asking “Where are you from?”. By now in my life I knew what she was really asking, but I didn’t want to engage because I was there to relax and just wanted to sit in silence. So I responded with “New York”, hoping I could shut down the conversation by not elaborating or giving her the answer she was looking for. It continued with the follow-up question about my parents, signaling that she was in fact asking about my ethnicity and not making polite conversation to see if I was a tourist or a local. 

At this point I decided to lay it out on the table so that her curiosity would be satiated and we could move on. I told her that my mother was black and my father was white. She proceeded to repeat that fact back to me as if she was processing it. And then she repeated it back to me in the form of a question as if to make sure she heard me properly.

“Your mother is black? And your father is white?”, she said.

“Yes”, I said. Then I heard her repeating it again to herself. This was a new reaction. Usually people get it and move on. That’s when my spidey senses started to activate as I sensed something was wrong here (or at least more wrong than usual). Then she followed up with an odd question/assumption.

“And you’re an only child?”, she stated/asked.

Huh? I thought to myself. Why would she assume that? Maybe I said something earlier and didn’t remember because I was too busy being annoyed that I was being forced into this conversation while this woman held my hair captive under a sink?

“No, I have two other siblings,” I said.

“All from the same father?”, she asked.

BINGO. 

“Yes”, I said, this time slightly more confused and annoyed.

“And your mother is black and your father is white?”, she asked for what seemed like the 100th time.

“Yes”, I repeated again.

At this point I knew that we had crossed a line and I knew there was some sort of metacommunication and assumption she was making, but I couldn’t figure out what it was at the moment. All I knew was that I was offended and felt very uncomfortable. But I also knew that I was in the middle of my hair getting washed. I could stay and feel uncomfortable or walk out with wet hair, that I was ill-equipped to deal with, and still feel uncomfortable. I felt trapped. I felt ashamed. I felt violated. But I also felt confused. You see, this was a new twist on an old microaggression and I couldn’t figure out what the subtext was this time, but my gut told me it was really bad.

The minute I paid and left the salon I did two things. The second thing I did was write an email to the corporate company detailing this racist experience and demand they implement some sort of D&I training for their employees. Before that, I called my sister to validate and confirm that I was not crazy and this was indeed a more terrible form of the usual microaggression. You see, normally I don’t feel like I have any allies when these things occur to me. The only person I felt like I could call was someone who had the exact same background as me and looked somewhat like me. I told my sister what happened and she was appalled. And then I asked her if she understood why the woman seemed so surprised about me not being an only child. My sister simply said, “She couldn’t comprehend that a black woman only had one baby daddy.” DING DING DING!

This is why allyship is so important. Microaggressions can make the victim feel like they are crazy because they can FEEL that something isn’t right, but they can also feel alone in that. It's the subtext behind the questions or statements that are important. We all need to learn to question these aggressors and force the unconscious to the conscious. We need to confront these deep seated assumptions and bring them to the surface so that everyone can understand what is going on and why it is wrong. And most importantly, we need to support the individuals that are on the receiving end of this ignorance.

So what could I have done differently or could one of the other bystanders have done to interrupt this conversation? I could have asked the Stylist back a question that would have brought the metacommunication to the surface. When she first asked me where I was from and then continued the line of questioning about my parents, I could have interrupted the microaggression by asking, “Why do you want to know where my parents are from?” This might have forced her to admit that there was something about my hair that didn’t look “normal” to her and so she was wondering what my ethnicity was. At that point, I could have politely said that I did not feel like sharing my personal family history with a stranger and perhaps there were less personal topics we could use to make small talk. Or I could have pushed back further and asked, “If you wanted to know about my ethnicity why didn’t you just ask the question, what is your ethnicity?” The answer is likely that a question like that felt more rude or invasive, which is the point.

Had I decided to let the conversation continue to the point where I shared my mixed background, there was another point I could have forced the metacommunication to the surface.  This would be when she asked about my siblings or whether they were all from the same father. This would have been the more rewarding point in that it could have revealed some inappropriate assumptions on her part and relieved me from feeling like I was crazy when I sensed something was very wrong with our conversation.

In the end, it’s not about trying to expose racists, it is about protecting my right to be treated like everyone else. If in the process of that, others are forced to confront their own racist thoughts, then that is just another benefit of these tools to combat microaggressions. I look forward to a time when I can go back out in public and properly defend myself the next time someone implies that I don’t look like I belong. I also look forward to having those around me equally as aware and skilled at deflecting these microaggressions to ease the burden.

Have you been a victim of microaggressions? What type of microaggressions have you faced? Have you ever successfully defended yourself from a microaggression using the approved tactics?